Psalm 139

Psalm 139:17-18 How precious are your thoughts concerning me, O God! How vast in number they are! If I try to count them, there would be more of them than there are grains of sand.

This verse has been a sweet sentiment to me as long as I can remember, yet the whole chapter of Psalm 139 has not. When I would read it, I would have an uncomfortable feeling well up inside me.

Psalm 139:1-6 Lord you have searched me and know me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up, you understand my thoughts from far away. You observe my travels and my rest; you are aware of all of my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you know all about it, Lord. You have encircled me; you have placed your hand on me. This wondrous knowledge is beyond me. It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.

“You know everything? Even…that? I can’t hide anything? I know that thing doesn’t please. I don’t feel comfortable with you knowing that…”

I knew God to be a loving kind Father. I knew His thoughts of me were good. Yet when it came to my thoughts I subconsciously switched my view to a disapproving parent.

Psalm 139:7-12 Where can I go to escape your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I fly on the wings of the dawn and settle down on the western horizon, even there your hand will lead me; your right hand will hold onto me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light around me will be night” even the darkness is not dark to you. The night shines like the day; darkness and light are alike to you.

“I can’t get away?! Even if I want to? What about free will? What about…this feels intrusive. I don’t like this.”

Looking back I now see, that I had an unhealthy fear of God. I see how my sense of unworthiness kept me from fully experiencing the loving Father that God is. I’m so thankful that within this past year, potentially even this last week, I’ve been freed from this unworthy feeling. I have started to believe: Psalm 139:14 I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well.

Now instead of looking at verses 7-12 as though I’m trying to get away but can’t, I look at it as though I feel far away from God, lost, hopeless, etc. but I’m not.

Psalm 139:8 If I got up to heaven you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol you are there.

When looking up the meaning of the Hebrew word Sheol I found: underworld, grave, hell, put, place of no return, without praise of God, falling deep into sin.

Psalm 139:10 Even there your hand will lead me; your right hand will hold onto me.

God doesn’t leave us even when we put ourselves into those positions. When we’re ready and willing He’s right there. Ready to lead us, to hold us.

And again in verse 11, You’re in a place of darkness, feeling so far away from God, starting to believe the lie that He isn’t there anymore.

And yet Romans 8:38-39 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Now just as in Psalm 139:19-22, I feel free and safe, able to share my thoughts, even the unbeautiful ones, with God because I know He won’t abandon me.

And as it closes in verses 23-24, I’m now not only able but willing to receive His loving conviction, TO work on change when prompted, without feeling condemned and unworthy.

Thank you, Lord, for helping me change my thoughts about myself to match the ones you have about me and for the changes it has made in my relationship with you.

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